Oct 13, 2008

Not lovin' this rollercoaster I'm on.

I like to read all the horoscopes to Grace when we eat breakfast together. She requests certain people, and if I don't know their birthday, I pick a sign at random until we've hit upon all of them. Today mine (Gemini) read: Reflect upon your loyalties. Your interest shifts to home, family, career -- and making dynamic alterations that spell improvement. Yeah, that sounds about right.

I think the hardest part of divorce, if there aren't large fortunes or custody battles involved, is actually making the decision. But my emotions are still all over the place, and an insightful friend of mine pointed out that what I was experiencing was grief. And I was all, "Ohhhhhhh, right!" The loss of an eighteen-year relationship is a bitch. We'll still be in each other's lives because of Grace, but the intimacy and commitment that make a marriage are d-e-a-d. Somehow having a label for what I'm going through makes it easier for me. When we had Dutchie put to sleep, it took me weeks to figure out that all my intense emotions were wrapped up in guilt, and I couldn't work through the sadness and missing her until I let go of the guilt. Why did I feel guilty? Because being responsible for having her put her to sleep was the hardest part, even though it was the right decision. And that brings me full circle, I suppose.

Today I went downtown and had my engagement ring appraised and got a few quotes from jewelers. I had been perfectly pragmatic about selling it until I had to repeatedly hand it over to some stranger, knowing they probably see this situation all the time, BUT IT'S A FUCKING FIRST FOR ME. There was a time in my life when I loved this ring and all that it signified. I probably loved the ring a little too much.

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