Stressed? Who, me?

Note: I've incorporate posts from the original "Grace Under Pressure" blog into this one. I began mommy blogging so that I could post pictures of Grace for friends and family, but it morphed into a series of mostly cheerful, witty posts that were fun to write but not necessarily representative of my whole life. I started this blog when my husband and I split up, as a way to vent honestly about my struggles. Not surprisingly, it's been a bit of a downer. Perhaps the two will balance each other out. Regardless, Grace is the most important part of my life, which is not always upbeat and cheerful, and it seems silly to exclude her from the big picture.

So, stress. This is a week I haven't been looking forward to. Tomorrow morning, John and I will go through what I hope will be the last round of mediation before our divorce is finalized. BIG! FUN! Then Grace and I will tour the school where she will start kindergarten in the fall. I'm ambivalent about this and have put it off until the last possible day. Yes, it's an exciting milestone, but it's another transition for her, and I worry it will upset the equilibrium (or semblance thereof) we've worked so hard to achieve since moving.

Later this week, I will be visiting my parents in Sequim for the first time since my accident almost a year ago. This will be my longest road trip since then, and I will be driving the same stretch of road for the first time. This will be the first time I'll walk into that house without being greeted by Max, which I can't imagine. Most important, I haven't seen my father in almost a year, and this will be our first visit since his surgery. I can't wait, but I don't know what to expect.

I have been living very much in the present lately, with a vengeance. Grace continues to be the grounding force in my life—when she's here. Since John and I have switched to a more equal parenting schedule, however, I find myself with almost four days a week of freedom to not worry about anyone but me. This is new territory for me, and while being in the moment is supposed to be a good thing, I've managed to do so at the expense of taking care of business: paying bills, writing, unpacking the last few boxes, being thoughtful and deliberate, and deciding what I want my (and Grace's) future to look like. Future? Yes, I know that's a dirty word regarding living now, but a minimum of planning is required in every adult's life, particularly when you're a parent.

I like to think I've made some good moves, rekindling friendships I had neglected for too long, making new friends and generally trying to stay out of my own head when it starts to feel unhealthy. I'm also struggling to feel physically healthy again, but my little bout with food poisoning hasn't finished messing with me yet. I've been told that stress can cause this. Duh. (Apparently, stress can cause anything, most of it bad.)

I know the best way for me to deal with life's uncertainties is to focus on what needs to be done now. When I spin it that way, I can almost imagine a life where I can keep living in the moment, while striving to find that balance between too much freedom (indulgence) and too much worrying (overthinking).

I will wave my magic wand and make it so.

Coastal fauna

Here's the kind of thing Grace gets to see when we visit my parents' beach house. It makes it worth the now somewhat terrifying three-hour drive.


This buck was just kickin' it by the side of the road.


There were two fledgling seagulls on the deck.


One of the parents was usually close by.


To everyone else, this is just a seagull. To Grace, it's so cool.

Paradise, part III

Until my mom sends the photos she shot, this concludes the Sequim vacation series. I promise.


My mom has been collecting old ladders, and I love how they look scattered about the orchard.


These trunks captivated me for some reason. They look like bones that have been picked clean. Very wintry.


It won't be long before all the buds start blooming and my parents' property is awash in color.


I'm afraid I've seen Max for the last time. He probably wondered why I kept lying on the floor next to him, crying.


Big bunny. GIGANTIC TV. 'Nuff said.

Paradise, part II

More pics in what is sure to become an increasingly boring series for everyone but me and my mom!


Rocks are very serious business in a child's world. I believe Michael was quizzing Grace on which was the largest, the smallest, the darkest, etc.


Clearly pleased with herself for many, many reasons.


Flying in the orchard. I can no longer lift her this way, which renders me somewhat inferior in her eyes.


Three generations of dirty blonds.


The male bonding going on here will forever remain a mystery to me. It has something to do with being in the Navy, knowing how to fix things with tools, and a profound appreciation for things that blow up.

A weekend in paradise.

We took a long weekend to visit my parents, and I have a ridiculous number of pictures I must share so that my proud mommy head doesn't explode. Here are just a few for now. My parents' place in Sequim is magical for Grace, and she was adamant about not leaving. And then she was asleep once we'd been on the road for five minutes.

Oh, and check out the top right corner over there. BUY MY BOOK!


She did this on her own. On Valentine's Day. Seriously.


Curious little bugger...


All she found was a spider web.


I cannot begin to count my mom's windchimes, and Grace must touch and listen to all within reach.

The last pictures my camera will ever take.

My poor camera coughed up enough of the Pacific that I was able to download the pictures I took before The Disaster.


We're on our way to the beach, a beautiful walk through the dunes that puts a spring in even Max's step. My dad takes him for long walks every day to help loosen up Max's joints, and to sneak a smoke.


I don't have nearly enough pictures of Grace with my father, which is too bad because aren't they sweet together? Also, she looked exactly like him when she was born, and still has his blue eyes.


Happy, and oblivious.


Take a good, long look, Gigi, because you won't be back there FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

Mama lion.

I took some great pictures of our time at the beach, but my camera drowned when Grace and I were caught off guard by a wave. We were running from it, and I was thinking, "Shit, we're gonna get wet." Then the water hit us and it was all I could do to hold onto Grace by one hand. I kept hoping her shoulder wouldn't dislocate, and then the sand under my feet disappeared and I fell. I stopped worrying about her shoulder then and tried to keep her head above water, but we went under a couple times before my SIXTY-FIVE-YEAR-OLD MOTHER came to our rescue. She charged without a second thought into that goddamn ocean and hauled us both upright, carried Grace to my brother and father, and then came back to where I was paralyzed and hugged me while I had a complete emotional breakdown.

Grace's version of events? "Um, the water came and Mommy held me and water got in my mouth but I didn't breathe because I'm not a fish." All that time in the bathtub, trying to breathe underwater, I thought she was trying to drive me crazy. But she was just learning how to stay alive.

Sunshine!

Day six, the weather was perfect and we had lunch on the beach. I swear she would head straight into the water and not stop if we let her.


There's a serious riptide, and this was making me a little nervous.


Yummy.


Uh-oh. Lost her feet.


Crazy little bug.


I don't know why I bother trying to keep the car clean. It's just a car, Laurel.

Should we go to the beach TODAY, Mommy?

Of course we should. We should bundle up and go get cold and wet and we would probably have a swell time, but Mommy is a lazy ass and has not taken a shower in days and would rather shuffle around the house in her pajamas complaining about the weather.


Imagine the whining that accompanied this expression.


Indoor activities included feeding chips to Max. We could have read books or colored or practiced counting, but this was WAY more fun for me, and didn't require any effort on my part.

I haven't yet found the meaning of life.

I have found a few pounds I'd lost, though, and learned how truly cranky a toddler can become after five straight days of being cooped up inside due to cold, wind and rain. Promises of the beach with Gabba ("Grace's Favorite Things," below right) were what persuaded her to miss school and tolerate an interminable car ride, so I couldn't blame her.


This is the first time she didn't look through these binoculars backwards.


Poor noodle. But stylin', no?

Gittin' outta Dodge.

It's about 140° in the house right now, and we're all a bit cranky. Grace and I are leaving tonight for a road trip; Ducky will be joining us, Brady's not so lucky. We're off to visit my parents at the beach for starters, so I'm going to stuff my gas tank with hundred dollar bills and drive, crank the music and ponder the meaning of life. I will try to post if I can find a computer and an internet connection. Otherwise, I'll be back when the temp drops below 90°.

Move BACK!

More beach pics, courtesy of my mom.


Grace has picked up a few phrases at daycare that she uses inappropriately, and sometimes hilariously. When the waves came too close at the beach, she held out a hand and imperiously ordered, "Move back!" It didn't work much better than when she says it to me when I'm trying to brush her teeth or wipe her nose, but we laughed harder.


She's in her own little world sometimes, and other times she won't let us out of her sight. Here, she appears to be wondering who these people are who keep trying to interact with her.


Whenever we leave someplace fun (the playground, the beach, even daycare, we must go through the bye-bye ritual to avoid a meltdown.


She was ambivalent about leaving my parents. She cried when we loaded up the car and she thought we were abandoning her, and then she cried when she realized she was coming with us and had to say another heart-wrenching good bye to Gabba and Gampa. Oh, the DRAMA OF IT ALL.

Life's a beach.

Here are some photos from our long weekend at my parents' beach house. The next batch will be from my mom, so they will be in focus.


Grace had a little energy for a change.


Gabba can always calm her down. Almost always.


A man and his dog at the beach.


"Never turn your back on the ocean, Gracie, okay?"


I think my mom's having fun here.


Max and his humans enjoy a beachy moment.


They love each other, but Max was tired and Brady had a headache.


Tuckered out on the drive home.

Always sunny at Gabba & Gampa's

"How long's it been since someone cut this grass?"


"I can do WAY bigger slides, but this will have to do."

Holidays Part Two

(My mom takes better pictures than I do, so I should have waited for hers before I shared our holiday experience.)


Grace loved the tree once it was up, but there is no describing her meltdown while Mom and I tried to purchase it.


"Where have you been all my life?"


"Tastes better than the food Mommy tries to make me eat."


"That's what I'm talkin' about — MORE ELMO!!!"